hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
40s are totally the cure
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
