I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
