why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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