I'm so fucking centered right now
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
