so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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