she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
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If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
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I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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