You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
