i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
