Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"