sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
