she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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