He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
i think my cat just said my name.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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