Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
