I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
