i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
These tits shall not be calmed
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
