Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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