If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
