The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
