There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
