My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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