I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
