I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
