I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
