The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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