I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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