I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
