I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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