he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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