Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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