Already got asked if we're dating
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
