MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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