Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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