I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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