you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
