You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
