He is such a slut. More and more my type.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
