hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Enjoy the penises
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
