This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
