the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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