doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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