I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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