I want to have your abortion
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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