Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
did you just send me my own nude
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
