I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Drake has all the answers
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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