Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
