the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
