I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
