The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
