I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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