saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
