I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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