My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
