Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
