I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
im six kinds of drunk right now
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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