he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
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Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
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Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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