highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
