just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
