forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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