I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
