When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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