If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
